Apologies for this post went up a little later than planned (I initially aimed to finish it by end Apr). Honestly, this topic gave me more trouble than I anticipated; getting my thoughts in order turned out to be harder than expected.

In my previous post, I covered a series of what I consider to be vacuous Christian speak, and how preachers of Christ would do better to sharpen their words instead of resorting to vague counsel that lack imperatives.

This post will cover a topic adjacent to that – the topic of spiritual bypassing using spiritual-sounding, yet vacuous Christian terminologies and lingo.

What is spiritual bypassing?

At its core, spiritual bypassing is not a practice restricted to Christianity. Spiritual bypassing refers to the use of spiritual terms and ideas in order to avoid, escape or suppress uncomfortable emotions and internal psychological struggles. For example, in the face of great trauma and personal loss, one might say to the victim: “everything happens for a reason, and the universal might be telling you something through this experience”. Nowhere in this counsel did the advice address the source of grief, nor assist in facing the negative emotions produced from said trauma. That’s an example of spiritual bypassing in a non-Christian context.

What about within Christianity? How does that look like?

A couple of weeks ago, I was attending my weekly church sermon conducted by a pastor on the topic of peace and anxiety. Not that I was particularly enthralled by his preaching from the get-go, but throughout his sermon he kept on espousing common sources of anxiety in modern society, such as feeling the need to optimize everything we do in life, outcompete others in the job market, climb the corporate ladder and accumulate financial wealth. Not that any of these were wrong, but his follow-up advice was what ticked me off.

“Pray.” (while quoting Philippians 4:6-7)

“Think of righteous things.” (quoting Philippians 4:8-9)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. As for the things that you have learned and received and heard and noticed in me, do them, and the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:6-9 NRSVUE)

That’s it. No context. No caveats. No addressing the source of said anxieties. Not even an acknowledgement of the reality of our struggles, considering the bulk of the congregation are millennials working full-time in corporate jobs in one of the most chaotic job markets in recent times. The sermon, in my opinion, was primarily a cocktail of holy-sounding Christian jargon ranging from “we need to be different from the world” (different in what sense, and how?), and “to make Jesus your Master” (see my previous blog post on the theology track on why I think this is such an overused catchphrase).

So what if his advice was rooted in Scripture? Is this how we want to minister to and witness for Christ to the people around us – by shoving bible verses and spiritual lingo into their faces?

What counts as spiritual bypassing?

Like the problem of vacuous spiritual language in my previous post, I don’t think the problem of spiritual bypassing is restricted to the pulpit. I would venture to guess that all believers would have, accidentally or otherwise, engaged in some spiritual bypassing in their everyday conversations with friends and family.

In my personal life, I was inspired to write about this topic while thinking about the language Christians used to build each other up. One thing I noticed after reflecting how I generally interacted with various friends in church was that I struggled with coming up with the right words to people who underwent struggles related to death or great personal loss. Some people could naturally find the right words to comfort or converse with a grieving friend. I admit I was not one of those people.

Yet I try. Sometimes, if time permitted, I would strive to probe deeper, asking details of their circumstances and how they felt about it. However, communicating with grieving friends still did not come naturally to me, and I have to admit sometimes I would resort to quick, spiritual-bypassing tactics to escape situations where I felt I had nothing good to say, or could not provide genuine sympathy/comfort at the moment for the person. Phrases like: “praying that the Lord’s peace be upon you” (or some variant on that) may seem like biblically sound ways to provide comfort for the aggrieved. Yet, saying such phrases at the moment felt…superficial, as though I was simply parroting something I was taught without engaging with the other party.

If I had to be really honest with myself – I was definitely engaging in spiritual bypassing, however subtle it may be.

I suspect that a lot of believers would have reacted in a similar manner to such circumstances. Generally, many of us suck at grieving. More vocal believers might try to offer a word of condolences based on Scripture, saying common phrases like:

• “He/she is in a better place”
• “God is in control”
• “At least he/she has returned to the Lord”

But all these phrases share one thing in common – they don’t engage with the issues at hand that 1) life just sucks sometimes, and it is currently sucking now; and 2) it creates a mental and emotional toll on the person. All they do is to minimise the situation, rather than acknowledge that there was loss/hurt and it is natural to grief in response to it.

I believe there are many other circumstances where Christians may accidentally default to spiritual bypassing in the face of life’s struggles. In response to ailments, we default to offer prayer for healing while forgetting to inquire about the patient’s perspective and circumstance. In response to great calamity, we console ourselves by saying “regardless, God is sovereign through all these events”. When someone is retrenched, another advice often thrown out is “God will open new doors for you”. When a young adult complains about an awful work environment, parents and pastors may resort to clichés such as “remember your true boss that is the Lord”, or “choose joy” (I heard boomers say both before). While none of these phrases are inherently wrong, they terminate thought and stifle engagement with the issues at hand.

Closing thoughts

Sometimes I wonder perhaps it is best for believers to simply forgo the Christian lingo and focus on giving emotional support to struggling loved ones in more direct ways. These ways could include simply saying less and giving people the space to process their emotions on their own, or to ask them and validate their circumstances without feeling the need to offer a “solution”. Yet, as Christians, we may sometimes default to certain “holy” responses when hearing about events that we can do little else, such as death or great tragedy. Through personal reflection, I fear that these responses may not be the best way to engage with the roots of our struggles; rather, they merely sidestep it.

I am not a professional psychologist/counsellor, so I do not profess to know the universal right way to interact with struggling individuals. Nevertheless, I hope readers of this post will reconsider whether the Christian lingo that believers are so used to truly meets the emotional needs of our loved ones undergoing tough times, rather than being an escape mechanism for us to avoid facing distress and pain alongside our loved ones. Comment down below if you have a different take on today’s topic, and how we can better meet our loved ones in times of need.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. (1 Corinthians 12:15 NRSVUE)